Office Tactics

Why, oh finance lady loudly talking at your “Its a Boy!” party in the conference room 5 feet from my cube, would you scream loudly, “IT’S ON SKE-DU-AL”? Pronounce it right at least.

newest pastime at work:

reading a pdf version of harry potter on my comp. All text, works like magic! get it har har

my boss is so ninja.. I can never hear when he’s coming. He’s too light to make any discernible sound while walking as opposed to the normal Krispy Kremes that lumber and make my cube walls shake. Is that something they taught in business school?

HAHA

I am currently on this conference call and someone is breathing heavily. Context: it is 8am. lolol.

the even funnier part is we all know who it is because our conference web client shows a mic next to the name of whoever is “speaking” hahahahaha.

gangster fobby coworker

haha my coworker who’s about 35 and super fobby just messed up in a meeting and said, “my bad my bad”.

old coworker has turned ninja.

I’m sitting here around 8:40am in my cube, waiting for my 9am to start when I see a figure lean silently into my cube. I look up to see the face of the old coworker that used to sit in this cube!!!! He was obviously surprised to see me there but geez… super silent. I think he was trying to cover up his footsteps by being very quiet for reasons I cannot even try to guess.

New Water Coolers

So as an effort to cut budget and raise “environmental awareness” (read: cut budget), they took out all free bottled water/drink fridges at work and installed these supposedly high powered water coolers. There are two of them in the break room, and at first glance they seem pretty cool. When you stick your cup under the spigot and push the dispense button, you get the satisfying whir of electricity and a stream of water shooting into your cup. Awesome right?

TWO PROBLEMS.

1. Upon further review and inspection, the stream of water entering my cup is about the thickness of 0.7 lead. This means that although it is literally injecting water straight into your cup (hence the satisfying spray sound), it injects it at camel speed. Took me about 2 minutes to fill up my Nalgene.

2. Not only that, but the two coolers are hooked up to the SAME battery and the same water source. This means that you can’t use both coolers at the same time. Today while I was filling up said Nalgene, two people came up at different times to “use” the other cooler, virtually cutting off all water flow into my Nalgen and into their little tea cup. USE THE COFFEE MACHINE’S HOT WATER. Freak.

aaand the girl coworker across the cubicle from me just farted. excellent.

A coworker who never comes into the office finally comes in today and she asks me,

“Did you take over ____’s cube?”
-Yes. *I struggle to come up with an answer that doesn’t entail, ‘people cannot see my screen this way’ *

awkward pause, but more so from my side.

A look of understanding washes over her face and she smiles.

“OH, I get it.”
-What? What do you get?
“More sunlight…..” *she walks away*

hahaha oh my life.

he comes back! HAHA

So it’s like 8something AM and its pretty quite on my floor when I hear some rustling. I assume it’s one of my coworkers that comes in early but the noise is pretty close to me. Curious, I turn and peek my head out of my cube and see the Guy that’s supposed to have moved already, back in his cube!! He was just sitting there. I was so confused and startled that I blurted out, “What are you doing here?”

His response: “Oh. Getting some styrofoam for my laptop.” *holds up 2 pieces of styrofoam*.

Duh.

The coworker from my previous post finally moved out today, about an hour ago. He took all his stuff in boxes and changed buildings.

An hour later, I hear another worker call out “why are you back?”

him: “I HAVE A MEETING HERE”

He then proceeds to sit in his now-vacant cube, muttering to himself about how ‘he forgot something’. hahaha